Cheney, the VP I knew became President – he was good. You’re evil. Bullets inside.

It's a bit strange they keep giving him interviews. Either we start waterboarding the guy finally and sell it pay per view - or not. Done.

It’s a bit strange they keep giving him interviews. Either we start waterboarding the guy finally and sell it pay per view – or not. Done.

Dick Cheney…oh, how your parents *knew* that they named you so well. The boss you had, who became president in very questionable circumstances. All because perhaps of what he did when he helped off Kennedy, right?

So your old buddy’s son makes good, you’re jealous. On a hunting trip, you accidentally shot the bastard who’s with you, wishing, imagining for a moment you could do what my family was accused of – ascending the throne for selfish reasons.

Unlike the man I knew, who was Vice President of his country, then President – that man has good intent. Not once, despite the Daily Show (Jon Stewart, I love you, but you owe me and my family for hosting Anni Nasheed and his lies), despite the Late Night Show, of this idiot accusing my family of something wrong. Letterman, your career is almost over, but the “Nail in the coffin,” was hosting an ex-dictator and calling him a “Leader of the free world.”

Richard Branson, jumping in on knowing some of the people involved, but a single meeting never determines character. Trust is built over time, not an instant. Richard, if we ever have the pleasure of meeting, let’s agree – you completely, 100% misunderstood about Maldives, Waheed and had ZERO business interfering. In return, I’ll assume you weren’t being British and trying to fuck an indigenous people once more…or attempting to burn the seat of my federal government, the White House, like in 1812. I know the Brits were pissed, but guys, it’s been centuries – move on already.

However, now that we all know what little Dick is whining about, I propose that we let him have it.

1. Dick Cheney, we’ll nominate you for the Republican President, right after Obama finishes (I’ll help elect you, sick twisted man you are, if you ask – nicely).

I’ve already helped personally fill a presidential role as a marketing consultant after all. Unlike what the media in Maldives said, unlike what Richard Branson said, unlike what the UK Government said, I’m innocent of all accusations. If I was guilty, Chase Bank would have my $3 million dollars, and I wouldn’t be working full time to launch my ideas.

2. We tally up the waterboarding you and Bush junior ordered. I think 2x is more than fair, especially since it’s, “Not torture,” right? First your kids get to go twice each, while you watch, unable to look away. Before you get to feel it, I know, father to father, seeing your children treated the way you treated those prisoners would make you lose it.

3. After we finish waterboarding your children (we’re licensing this to Showtime or HBO, probably Showtime, think, as a pay per view special), guess what’s next? Your turn.

4. For the crimes you’ve helped so many people commit across the country, for the faith we’ve lost in each other, it’s only fitting the families of Treyvon Martin and others get a chance to help you understand how the waterboarding really isn’t cool – but as you say, it’s not torture, so it’s okay.

5. Last, but not least, since you really, really crossed the line with that, “Rectal feeding,” bit…after you’re waterboarded so much you can’t see, hear, think straight, after your lungs are nearly collapsed, sobbing, gasping, aching in pain throughout your body, the likes of which you have never experienced…

…in that moment, when dear god, all you can think, all you can process is, “Oh, no, they’re stuffing food up my bum.”

That, Dick Cheney, is the only way you’ll ever, ever become the Republican President of my beloved United States. I’m not sure when your family arrived to spoil the party, but “We got here first.” American blood had been flowing in my veins for a hundred years before we tossed the redcoats.

Besides which, Cheney, you’re the bastard that made the call to start getting creepy.

Not me, friend. Reap what you sow and the American people will finally believe you aren’t a greedy, selfish, envious, odious man.